Do superhero's ever retire?

Sometimes I consider "trading spaces", though only with myself. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to stop working on all my little side projects and simply be. I was trying to explain this idea to my husband the other night, and found it really hard to do. So, I will try my best to explain it to you.

Do you ever wonder if Superhero's retire? Usually, they live forever or get killed off, or your favorite tv show gets discontinued, or something like that. But do you they ever retire? Do they ever get tired of it all? Saving the damsels in distress, rescuing tiny children from being crushed by the out of control car, saving the city from monstrosity - Do they ever want to hang it all up?; Trade it in for a little peace and quite or even the occasional party?

Hmmmm.... this is how I feel. Not that I consider myself a "superhero". I'm not out to save the world, only to make a small difference to a few. I know that I am fortunate enough to know my calling. At times, I am super excited! I have ideas - and I have actually seen the impact we make. It's exciting! I feel re-charged with each stride that we make. But then on the other hand, I just want to give it all up. I want to settle down with my family. Buy a small house, have holiday parties, establish some family traditions of our own- ya know? I suppose that it is the ever constant battle between my heart and mind. . . . .who knows.

Conflicted

Before we left CO to move to SA, I was working as a manager for a local fast-casual concept. I loved my job! There was only one problem - they were ready to make me a GM (general manager). I know! What a big problem - you might think to yourself. And it's not that I couldn't handle it, or was scared, because I wasn't. My problem was that I was not ready to sacrifice my family for the sake of my job. As a GM, the store becomes your baby! Every waking hour, people always calling and texting you. But as an Assistant, there is not as much pressure or responsibility. I loved my job- and I kinda rocked at it too! (not to toot my own horn, but, Toot! Toot!) The part of TX we moved to does not have this concept here. So, I could not transfer.
Anyway- I often check back on the employment situation with them online - just out of curiosity. Yesterday I saw a posting for managers in TX!!! I was very excited to see this - and my mind began to race.
Now that I've been home for a few months, I really am enjoying it - we'll for the most part. My husband and I have talked about me going to work - just part time. Not out of necessity, but so that we can work towards being debt free. (another post in itself) I'd really like the opportunity to work for this company again (particularly in corporate, but you have to work your way in) because I love the company so much - and I do an awesome job in the food industry. But, the hours suck! Now, I'm conflicted - and I know I do not have to make a decision right now, - but I could not turn my mind off! I couldn't sleep! I was tossing and turning, and even had to get up and drink some hot tea. Finally, somewhere between breathing exercises and prayers, I seemed to doze off to sleep. I really have not felt this anxious in a long time - and I was surprised a how fast it happened. Well, only time will tell what decision is made. Until then. . .

Family-

I have come to a frightening conclusion. As much as I love my family (mother, father and siblings) - I have determined that it is best that I live away from them - as in not in the same city. I now remember why I moved away - and I think that I was used to that lifestyle - being away. I am somewhat saddened, but somewhat at peace. It does not mean that I do not love my family - because I do. It just means, to me, that I am a better person away from the day to day drama. This experience has taught me so many things.
First, it has taught me to never take things for granted. I am now open to ideas about life that I may not have been so open to before. I am ready to embrace it with the newness that comes with the new year. Secondly, it has taught me to value the times (good and bad) with my children, more than I had before. During this experience, I have been so busy taking care of everyone else in the household (not by choice, at times) that there have been times when I felt that my children came second. This absolutely brakes me, because everything that I do - and want to do is for my husband and my children. It has also taught me that I made a wise choice in marrying my handsome husband. Though there were plenty of opportunities to complain - he has never said a thing! Lastly, this is experience confirmed that I do not really care for the state of TX - and that CO, surprisingly is home. I miss it, the beauty of the mountains and the sky - yes, even the snowy days. I miss our church, and the friends who are like family. I am hoping that we have the opportunity to move back sooner than later. Overall, I believe that this experience has taught me to embrace life - not to just live it, but to truly make the best of every moment. I only hope that I can live up to my new expectations of myself - and soak up every moment.

7 Months Later...

Well, we have been here in Texas for 7 months now - and things have not turned out like we thought they would.
First of all, my husband and I don't really like TX (I am almost quite sure that it's a crime punishable by death to say this while living in TX!). We knew this before we moved, and fought it for two years. But we still decided to make the move for the sake of being near my family. Bless his heart - he didn't know what he was in for.

Secondly, we moved in with my Dad, and my youngest sister who has an almost two year old daughter (as I type this it seems like a recipe for disaster!) . The intention was to help my sister become more settled into "Motherhood", you know - leading by example - and though she has done better - I think we have come as far as we are going to get! The added bonus was that it would be for one year - so that everyone could have a place to live while getting themselves established.

Where to go from there -

When we moved out here, my husband and I decided that I would stay home. My staying home was for multiple reasons
(1) Because my husband and I both agree that we can financially afford to do this, and this is how we wanted to raise our children - at least until they are both in school. (2) I would provide childcare for my sister (free of charge) - This would enable my sister to find a better, more stable job so that she could provide for herself and her child - since she is a single mother.

So, in my mind this would work out just fine. I would stay home, and my husband, dad and sister would go to work. Simple enough. Not - so - much. I will spare you all the details- frankly because there are too many little tedious ones to mention - and in the end, I am really just sparing myself the pain of re-living them!

In the end - Financially, my husband and I are putting in more that what we feel is our "fair" share. At one point, we were paying the monthly groceries - which were totalling (brace yourself) a whopping $900!!! This alone is not something that we can afford to do - so, I had to fix that real quick! Secondly, I have become the maid - and nanny - and nothing more! Even though, I try to ask (more like delegating) most of the time, it doesn't get done - and I end up doing it anyway - simply because I don't want to live in a pig stye! I'm exhausted and cranky, most days - which is not typically my character. I am not happy with this - but feel like I have no resolve, at this point.

My husband and I have decided that we want to go home to Colorado - and we are going to seek to do that as we are entering the end of our lease. Overall, I think that we have got to do what is right for us, despite how that may make others feel. It will be bittersweet. I love my family, but they drive me nuts! I have decided that I am better off loving them from a far. And though my in laws drive me just as crazy - I can somewhat limit the times of interaction that I will have with them.


Overall, I have learned a lot, been tried a lot, and have even been taken to a whole new level of dependence on my faith. I do not think that I would have made it this far (1) without God, and (2) without my husband.

Well- that pretty much sums up where I am on this journey - stay tuned. . . . . .

Silly Girl

I sit here - refresh , refresh
hitting the button - refresh, refresh

I can't help it - refresh, refresh
waiting for the inbox to say (1)
all I want is to hear from you

refresh, refresh -
waiting to see if you are online - refresh, refresh

desperate for one word - literally - one word
hi, hello - anything - refresh, refresh

anything will do. are you thinking of me?
refresh, refresh

silly girl.

Jekyll-Hyde Syndrome

I fear good doctor, that I have come down with Jekyll-Hyde syndrome. You see. I live my life as one, but can not help the overwhelming feelings and desires to be another. It is not that I am unhappy in my life, nor that I have endured some kind of tramatic experience. It's just that I tend to drift off and think about what life could have been? Or what it could be like? Kind of like daydreaming, I guess.

"Please explain more", said the good Doctor.

Well, you see, I married quite young - and truth be told, we were with child before we were married. Not that - that was the reason for our marriage. I do love my husband so - and he is a good man - he is quite a good man! He provides for me and for the children, and he cares for us and is never ill with words or actions. He has never raised a hand to me, nor the children. He is a good man. Never drunk with wine, nor critical - and he doesn't ask for much. He is quite a good man.

"So what is the problem?" said the good Doctor.

It's hard to explain. Not that there is a problem, not that I can think. "Bordom", good Doctor. No. That's not it. I just can't seem to help myself. My thoughts tend to drift. I can't stop myself from thinking, thinking, and thinking. Wondering what it would have been like if I would have choosen a different path. Not that I would change a thing now. I am quite happy with my life. I am quite a lucky girl, you know. I know that!

And though I may have impure thoughts, I do try to resist them the best that I can.And I would never act upon them. I know it's not right. And frankly, I have no reason to think this way - and well, I am quite ashamed. Heaven forbid that this conversation should ever leave this room! Thank goodness for doctor-patient confidentiality! So, good doctor, what do you make of this? What is your evaluation. Have I gone mad?

Good doctor takes off his glasses and puts his pen down. "My dear", he begins. "Do you know what is wrong with you?".
"Absolutely nothing".





“I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work and when I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created that kind of protects me and who I really am”.
-Beyonce


"What's an alter ego?" asked Gerard.
"It's a superhero's true but secret identity," said Chip. "You know, the way that Superman is really Clark Kent." "Superman is really Clark Kent?"
"It's pretty obvious," said Penny. "To everyone but you and Lois Lane."
― Cuthbert Soup, Another Whole Nother Story

We meet again. . .

Well it has been quite a while since my last post. A lot has changed. My family and I have relocated from Colorado to Texas. Yes, Texas. The state that swears it should be it's own country - and perhaps it very well could be. Texas, the place where almost everyone wears cowboy boots and says "y'all". Well, it would not have been my top pick - but since all my family (mom, dad, and siblings) decide to do it, we jumped on board. I must say that I am fond of the sweet tea that is carried almost everywhere. Oh sweet tea how I love you!

Well, it certainly has been an adventure- we are now living with my dad, my youngest sister who has a two year old, and of course my husband and our two boys. Whew! Needless to say, it is a busy household - full or adventure, always noisy, the occasional quarrel, and never a dull moment. So, stay tuned. . . .