I'm not a damn tiger. I'm a woman!

I am sure that you have all seen this photo before, especially if you have a facebook. For the past few months, I have been struggling with my weight. Well, not so much my weight, but the way that I feel about myself, to be honest. So, this picture really got me thinking.

First, let me set this up for you. I have always been a slim girl. What can I say, I come from good genes. My mother, to this day is a size 0 at fifty-years old! (She has had four children too!) As a kid, I was often picked on for being "skinny". Once, in high school I was harassed by a teacher, who verbally attacked me in the hallway - saying things like "You're so skinny you make me sick." I never weighed more than 97-98 pounds, even into my young adult years. It was not until I became pregnant with my first child, that I weighed more than 100 pounds. After the birth of both my children, I breast-fed, and was able to shed the pounds with no problem. Not fitting into a size 0, but a size 2-4.

Two years ago, I visited my family for Christmas - we were all living in three different states. Everyone kept commenting on how much weight I had gained. On several different occasions, they even asked if I was pregnant. [Side note: At that time, I weighed about 117-120] On top of that, I was super emotional, because I had not seen my family in over two years. And so they questioned even more. They questioned me so much, that it got into my head. So much that I even stopped at a local drug store to pick up pregnancy test. (Even though I knew that I was not pregnant.)

Fast-forward 2011 -2012 - My youngest son is now four years old. Since our move to San Antonio, TX I have stayed home with not only my two children, but my niece as well. Before this, I was a manager at a fast-casual restaurant, working 45 hours a week on average, 8-10 hours a shift, usually without a break! Of-course, I have gained weight. I now weigh 125 steady - even though I have done a little to try to bring it down. My family (mom and sisters) are all petite - and I - well, am not. Since being here, I have had a handful of comments about my weight. Including a joke between my mom and dad (who are now divorced) about me being "plump". At first, I did not think it was such a big deal. But in all actuality, it did hurt my feelings. I usually don't care too much about what people say, but it seems to sting just a bit more when it comes from family. Why is it that those that are supposed to love you, respect you, and honor you the most, can also hurt you the most? For those exact same reasons, I guess.

Recently, Christina Aguilera has been in the tabloids continuously for her wight. There are many criticizing her and bashing her. I don't usually keep up with the tabloids, but I read something online that said something like, "Christina is a 30 year old woman now and a mother, not the bublegum-teeny-bopper we once met so long ago". Oddly enough, this comment really made me see things in a different light.

I am a mother - not of one, but to two beautiful, happy and healthy rambunctious boys! I have carried them in my body, which is a miracle in itself, and delivered them with the blood, sweat and tears of both fear and joy that only another mother can understand. My body has been tried and tested - and my strength and my will even more. Yes, I am not the young, inexperienced, and vulnerable girl that I used to be. I am a 30 year old, bold, beautiful and confident woman that has grown into her skin. No, I may not look like the model on the cover of a magazine, who's image has been altered, and touched up to make you believe that she is "perfect". I am not perfect, I have battle-scars (stretchmarks) and am often self-conscious about them, but I am a mother - and I would not change that - ever! I am beautiful! And I don't need anyone to confirm that. I am not a tiger - who has earned her stripes. I chose to become a mother, of my own free will because I wanted to experience one of life's greatest joys - to love and to be loved unconditionally - like only another mother can understand. So no, I am not a damn tiger. I am a woman!

Just another day in a dysfunctional family. . .

It seems that there has been another full-out-yelling-match at our house. It's funny how these all start the same. . . it's almost as if you can feel them brewing too; They seem to blow in like a storm - and usually have absolutely NO POINT!

A few nights ago, our children were asleep in bed. Actually, they had been sleeping already for a few hours. My sister went to the gym, and took her 2 yr old with her. She has a habit of doing this - keeping the baby out late - even when she is tired. She has failed to establish any type of routine or stability in their lives - but that's not the point. The point is that the baby was already tired when she got home from work - and I told her this- but against my advice (no surprise) she took her out anyway.
Needless to say, when they got home, the baby was exhausted! She took her straight up stairs and attempted to put her to bed. Of-course, as any parent knows, you keep a baby out past their bedtime = meltdown! And what a mother of all meltdowns was it! She screamed for about 30-40 minutes, no exaggeration.

At this point my husband and I were watching tv downstairs - trying to relax - but we could hear everything that was going on above us. My dad was on the computer - and he was making a lot of noise - fumbling through drawers - and just making a lot of noise. This is right next to where our children sleep - so of-course, I was annoyed. At this point, I turned to my husband and said, "What the heck is he doing up there?". Then next thing I know, I hear him walk over to my sisters room - I could hear him talking to her, though it was muffled. Baby still screaming. And then the SLAMMING of a door. To which I got up and went upstairs. As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I heard my sister say, "Why are you slamming my door?" , to which he mumbled something - and she responded, "What's your problem?", to which he responded, (yelling), "What's your problem!". And so it began. This all happend at the same time,as I was headed upstairs saying, "Who's slamming doors up here?". Ugh! Was I in for it. To which my dad replied (explosively)"I am. Do you have a problem with it."

No shit, Shirlock! Congratulations! You win a prize. Of-course I have a problem with it - MY CHILDREN ARE SLEEPING! (engaging "mama bear" status now) To which, my response was. "Yes, I do. My children are asleep up here. What's going on?" I was ignored. So I asked again. "What are you so upset about?" To which I was ordered to go downstairs and to "shut-up". Really??? I said "No. Don't talk to me that way." Which totally pissed him off. His response was that he could talk to me however he wanted. And I said, "No. You can't." Once again I was told to "just go downstairs" and to "mind my own business". I explained that it was my business - since we lived here too, and paid 1/2 rent, 1/2 bills and groceries. (plus my children were sleeping in the next room - HELLO! How is it not any of my business - but I didn't say that)Because I was too busy being YELLED at! At this point was husband came over and was standing at the bottom of the stairs. I could see he was getting upset.

There were a few more word exchanged - a bit more yelling - and then I just went downstairs - like I said it was pointless! The worst part is - I know he sees it as "my fault". We still don't know what he was so upset about? (We assume it is because of the baby's screaming) And No, there will be no apology or even talking about it. Everyone will just go on - as if nothing ever happened. This drives me absolutely CRAZY!

When the Rules Change. . . .

My current situation has got me thinking a lot lately . . . . . Granted, I got myself into this situation, but what do you do when the rules change - or rather, it has me wondering, When do the rules change?

In most cases, I believe, that our parents have taught us right from wrong. I believe that they teach you to respect your elders, to show kindness to others, to do what is right. I grew up in a very strict home. My parents, my Dad particularly, was very strict with me, being the oldest of four girls. As with most families, I assume, as the years came and went - my parents lightened up a bit. By the time that I was out of the house, and living on my own, my sisters were in trouble for things that I would never dream of doing.

*** Fast forward

Though I have had my share of troubles, I believe myself to be a god person. I try my best to be a good friend, sister, daughter, mother and wife.

I suppose that all those years of "training" have had some effect on me. I mean, it has shaped me into the person that I am today. Though my parents may have been overly strict - I still agree with most of their training - to a point. For example, I believe that a boy and girl should not be in their bedroom alone, with the door closed (we've all been there and know what goes on .... need I say more); I feel awkward watching a hot and steamy scene on a movie while my parents and grandmother are in the room. Catch my drift? I mean really, I'm not a prude. I have two children - and a great sex life (just ask my husband). But I guess you can say that I am a bit old school when it comes to things like this.

Odd as it is - I find myself in a situation where I feel like the mother. My family (husband and children) are currently living with my father, and two of my sisters, one which has a two year old daughter. My sister is still somewhat childish - and her lack of responsibility, and motherly instinct drives me crazy! My 50 year old father has just started dating again - and this is a little weird for all of us.

It's not that I care so much what they do - but it bothers me when it comes to my children. I don't approve of any actions that would cause my children to ask "those" questions. Perhaps I am just not ready to have to explain to them why their grandma and grandpa are not married, or why grandma has a boyfriend - and grandpa a girlfriend. I don't want to explain why their cousins daddy only comes to see her once every few months - and then stays the night in aunties room.

Seriously! Am I the only person that this bothers? When did the rules change? Just because my father is 50 - does it mean that it is okay that he takes his girlfriend to his room? (Which is right across the hall from where my boys sleep.) And my sister - her three year - on-again off-again relationship had me tired. Her baby daddy doesn't seem to really care about her. He lives in another city about 10+ hours away - doesn't pay his child support, or help contribute raising his child in any way - has repeatedly been seeing other women - and has the audacity to tell her how to raise his child. Yeah! Get a clue buddy! And then she makes it so easy for him to stomp all over her. And just before he comes into town - or she goes to see him, they make up so that they can play the happy little family - as if we can not see right through the bull-shit. And I'm supposed to be ok when he comes into town and wants to sleep in her room. Really! No, not happening. And it's not that I believe them to be doing anything in there - it's just the point! The moral reasoning behind it all. I mean does anyone else see what I am talking about?

I'm not trying to be their mother, but when do the rules change? The things that were once unacceptable and frowned upon become the norm. I may not be their parent - but I am the parent, the mother to two impressionable little ones, who happen to live under the same roof. Lord help me! I'm trying my absolute best to keep my big mouth shut! But I am having a rather difficult time this time around. 6 months to go and I am counting down - believe me.

Do superhero's ever retire?

Sometimes I consider "trading spaces", though only with myself. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to stop working on all my little side projects and simply be. I was trying to explain this idea to my husband the other night, and found it really hard to do. So, I will try my best to explain it to you.

Do you ever wonder if Superhero's retire? Usually, they live forever or get killed off, or your favorite tv show gets discontinued, or something like that. But do you they ever retire? Do they ever get tired of it all? Saving the damsels in distress, rescuing tiny children from being crushed by the out of control car, saving the city from monstrosity - Do they ever want to hang it all up?; Trade it in for a little peace and quite or even the occasional party?

Hmmmm.... this is how I feel. Not that I consider myself a "superhero". I'm not out to save the world, only to make a small difference to a few. I know that I am fortunate enough to know my calling. At times, I am super excited! I have ideas - and I have actually seen the impact we make. It's exciting! I feel re-charged with each stride that we make. But then on the other hand, I just want to give it all up. I want to settle down with my family. Buy a small house, have holiday parties, establish some family traditions of our own- ya know? I suppose that it is the ever constant battle between my heart and mind. . . . .who knows.

Conflicted

Before we left CO to move to SA, I was working as a manager for a local fast-casual concept. I loved my job! There was only one problem - they were ready to make me a GM (general manager). I know! What a big problem - you might think to yourself. And it's not that I couldn't handle it, or was scared, because I wasn't. My problem was that I was not ready to sacrifice my family for the sake of my job. As a GM, the store becomes your baby! Every waking hour, people always calling and texting you. But as an Assistant, there is not as much pressure or responsibility. I loved my job- and I kinda rocked at it too! (not to toot my own horn, but, Toot! Toot!) The part of TX we moved to does not have this concept here. So, I could not transfer.
Anyway- I often check back on the employment situation with them online - just out of curiosity. Yesterday I saw a posting for managers in TX!!! I was very excited to see this - and my mind began to race.
Now that I've been home for a few months, I really am enjoying it - we'll for the most part. My husband and I have talked about me going to work - just part time. Not out of necessity, but so that we can work towards being debt free. (another post in itself) I'd really like the opportunity to work for this company again (particularly in corporate, but you have to work your way in) because I love the company so much - and I do an awesome job in the food industry. But, the hours suck! Now, I'm conflicted - and I know I do not have to make a decision right now, - but I could not turn my mind off! I couldn't sleep! I was tossing and turning, and even had to get up and drink some hot tea. Finally, somewhere between breathing exercises and prayers, I seemed to doze off to sleep. I really have not felt this anxious in a long time - and I was surprised a how fast it happened. Well, only time will tell what decision is made. Until then. . .

Family-

I have come to a frightening conclusion. As much as I love my family (mother, father and siblings) - I have determined that it is best that I live away from them - as in not in the same city. I now remember why I moved away - and I think that I was used to that lifestyle - being away. I am somewhat saddened, but somewhat at peace. It does not mean that I do not love my family - because I do. It just means, to me, that I am a better person away from the day to day drama. This experience has taught me so many things.
First, it has taught me to never take things for granted. I am now open to ideas about life that I may not have been so open to before. I am ready to embrace it with the newness that comes with the new year. Secondly, it has taught me to value the times (good and bad) with my children, more than I had before. During this experience, I have been so busy taking care of everyone else in the household (not by choice, at times) that there have been times when I felt that my children came second. This absolutely brakes me, because everything that I do - and want to do is for my husband and my children. It has also taught me that I made a wise choice in marrying my handsome husband. Though there were plenty of opportunities to complain - he has never said a thing! Lastly, this is experience confirmed that I do not really care for the state of TX - and that CO, surprisingly is home. I miss it, the beauty of the mountains and the sky - yes, even the snowy days. I miss our church, and the friends who are like family. I am hoping that we have the opportunity to move back sooner than later. Overall, I believe that this experience has taught me to embrace life - not to just live it, but to truly make the best of every moment. I only hope that I can live up to my new expectations of myself - and soak up every moment.

7 Months Later...

Well, we have been here in Texas for 7 months now - and things have not turned out like we thought they would.
First of all, my husband and I don't really like TX (I am almost quite sure that it's a crime punishable by death to say this while living in TX!). We knew this before we moved, and fought it for two years. But we still decided to make the move for the sake of being near my family. Bless his heart - he didn't know what he was in for.

Secondly, we moved in with my Dad, and my youngest sister who has an almost two year old daughter (as I type this it seems like a recipe for disaster!) . The intention was to help my sister become more settled into "Motherhood", you know - leading by example - and though she has done better - I think we have come as far as we are going to get! The added bonus was that it would be for one year - so that everyone could have a place to live while getting themselves established.

Where to go from there -

When we moved out here, my husband and I decided that I would stay home. My staying home was for multiple reasons
(1) Because my husband and I both agree that we can financially afford to do this, and this is how we wanted to raise our children - at least until they are both in school. (2) I would provide childcare for my sister (free of charge) - This would enable my sister to find a better, more stable job so that she could provide for herself and her child - since she is a single mother.

So, in my mind this would work out just fine. I would stay home, and my husband, dad and sister would go to work. Simple enough. Not - so - much. I will spare you all the details- frankly because there are too many little tedious ones to mention - and in the end, I am really just sparing myself the pain of re-living them!

In the end - Financially, my husband and I are putting in more that what we feel is our "fair" share. At one point, we were paying the monthly groceries - which were totalling (brace yourself) a whopping $900!!! This alone is not something that we can afford to do - so, I had to fix that real quick! Secondly, I have become the maid - and nanny - and nothing more! Even though, I try to ask (more like delegating) most of the time, it doesn't get done - and I end up doing it anyway - simply because I don't want to live in a pig stye! I'm exhausted and cranky, most days - which is not typically my character. I am not happy with this - but feel like I have no resolve, at this point.

My husband and I have decided that we want to go home to Colorado - and we are going to seek to do that as we are entering the end of our lease. Overall, I think that we have got to do what is right for us, despite how that may make others feel. It will be bittersweet. I love my family, but they drive me nuts! I have decided that I am better off loving them from a far. And though my in laws drive me just as crazy - I can somewhat limit the times of interaction that I will have with them.


Overall, I have learned a lot, been tried a lot, and have even been taken to a whole new level of dependence on my faith. I do not think that I would have made it this far (1) without God, and (2) without my husband.

Well- that pretty much sums up where I am on this journey - stay tuned. . . . . .

We meet again. . .

Well it has been quite a while since my last post. A lot has changed. My family and I have relocated from Colorado to Texas. Yes, Texas. The state that swears it should be it's own country - and perhaps it very well could be. Texas, the place where almost everyone wears cowboy boots and says "y'all". Well, it would not have been my top pick - but since all my family (mom, dad, and siblings) decide to do it, we jumped on board. I must say that I am fond of the sweet tea that is carried almost everywhere. Oh sweet tea how I love you!

Well, it certainly has been an adventure- we are now living with my dad, my youngest sister who has a two year old, and of course my husband and our two boys. Whew! Needless to say, it is a busy household - full or adventure, always noisy, the occasional quarrel, and never a dull moment. So, stay tuned. . . .

Fighting Sucks! Need to Vent!

I am so upset! DH and I had an argument this morning. Since I am staying home. He went and got a second job at night. Which I was already upset about because he's been talking about it for a while already and I would say that I didn't want him to. But his brother was talking about how he went and applied and so DH just decided to do it. And told me after the fact. So now DH works 8am-5pm at his regular job and then gets home around 6pm-6:30pm and then leaves for his second job from 10pm-3:00am. Needless to say, it feels like we hardly see him- much less spend quality time with him. Which is the whole reason I quit my restraunt managment job! And though it is only M-F it drives me nuts! Especially since he doesn't do a darn thing to help around the house anymore. I know that I should cut him some slack since he is only trying to help our financial issues. But I am just upset! On top it is not s piece of cake staying home with a 1 year old and an almost 3 year old- both boys, I might mention. And then he tries to tell me what I should do at home with the kids. Like he is here all day! You know how men swear they could do it. And I say," You don't know, you are not here all day." Then that pisses him off. He just doesn't understand! Anyone else having these issues? Any suggestions?

Dissapointment in myself

Like I have always said being a Stay at Home Mom is not for everyone. And definately not for me! Sadly, and ashamed,I know it is the truth. I have come to conclude that being a SAHM brings out the worst in me. While I try my best, I am often defeated. I find myself mad at my husband for everything. I feel like I am always nagging him. I am always upset that the house is never clean, besides my best efforts.And it seems that I am scolding my kids every five minutes. Overall, I feel like such an unhappy and unfifilled person. I realize how lonely I am. And I realize that I am afraid of becoming my mother.I feel like I am a bad mother - but I love my kids more than anything! I pray that I am wrong and that they know how much they are loved. Most of all I feel like a failure. At least in my own eyes. I mean what kind of mother can not stay at home with her kids? Sad.I want to make a difference in this world, I want my life to count for something, but the truth is I can not even make a difference in my own home. Failure.