Just another day in a dysfunctional family. . .

It seems that there has been another full-out-yelling-match at our house. It's funny how these all start the same. . . it's almost as if you can feel them brewing too; They seem to blow in like a storm - and usually have absolutely NO POINT!

A few nights ago, our children were asleep in bed. Actually, they had been sleeping already for a few hours. My sister went to the gym, and took her 2 yr old with her. She has a habit of doing this - keeping the baby out late - even when she is tired. She has failed to establish any type of routine or stability in their lives - but that's not the point. The point is that the baby was already tired when she got home from work - and I told her this- but against my advice (no surprise) she took her out anyway.
Needless to say, when they got home, the baby was exhausted! She took her straight up stairs and attempted to put her to bed. Of-course, as any parent knows, you keep a baby out past their bedtime = meltdown! And what a mother of all meltdowns was it! She screamed for about 30-40 minutes, no exaggeration.

At this point my husband and I were watching tv downstairs - trying to relax - but we could hear everything that was going on above us. My dad was on the computer - and he was making a lot of noise - fumbling through drawers - and just making a lot of noise. This is right next to where our children sleep - so of-course, I was annoyed. At this point, I turned to my husband and said, "What the heck is he doing up there?". Then next thing I know, I hear him walk over to my sisters room - I could hear him talking to her, though it was muffled. Baby still screaming. And then the SLAMMING of a door. To which I got up and went upstairs. As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I heard my sister say, "Why are you slamming my door?" , to which he mumbled something - and she responded, "What's your problem?", to which he responded, (yelling), "What's your problem!". And so it began. This all happend at the same time,as I was headed upstairs saying, "Who's slamming doors up here?". Ugh! Was I in for it. To which my dad replied (explosively)"I am. Do you have a problem with it."

No shit, Shirlock! Congratulations! You win a prize. Of-course I have a problem with it - MY CHILDREN ARE SLEEPING! (engaging "mama bear" status now) To which, my response was. "Yes, I do. My children are asleep up here. What's going on?" I was ignored. So I asked again. "What are you so upset about?" To which I was ordered to go downstairs and to "shut-up". Really??? I said "No. Don't talk to me that way." Which totally pissed him off. His response was that he could talk to me however he wanted. And I said, "No. You can't." Once again I was told to "just go downstairs" and to "mind my own business". I explained that it was my business - since we lived here too, and paid 1/2 rent, 1/2 bills and groceries. (plus my children were sleeping in the next room - HELLO! How is it not any of my business - but I didn't say that)Because I was too busy being YELLED at! At this point was husband came over and was standing at the bottom of the stairs. I could see he was getting upset.

There were a few more word exchanged - a bit more yelling - and then I just went downstairs - like I said it was pointless! The worst part is - I know he sees it as "my fault". We still don't know what he was so upset about? (We assume it is because of the baby's screaming) And No, there will be no apology or even talking about it. Everyone will just go on - as if nothing ever happened. This drives me absolutely CRAZY!

Family-

I have come to a frightening conclusion. As much as I love my family (mother, father and siblings) - I have determined that it is best that I live away from them - as in not in the same city. I now remember why I moved away - and I think that I was used to that lifestyle - being away. I am somewhat saddened, but somewhat at peace. It does not mean that I do not love my family - because I do. It just means, to me, that I am a better person away from the day to day drama. This experience has taught me so many things.
First, it has taught me to never take things for granted. I am now open to ideas about life that I may not have been so open to before. I am ready to embrace it with the newness that comes with the new year. Secondly, it has taught me to value the times (good and bad) with my children, more than I had before. During this experience, I have been so busy taking care of everyone else in the household (not by choice, at times) that there have been times when I felt that my children came second. This absolutely brakes me, because everything that I do - and want to do is for my husband and my children. It has also taught me that I made a wise choice in marrying my handsome husband. Though there were plenty of opportunities to complain - he has never said a thing! Lastly, this is experience confirmed that I do not really care for the state of TX - and that CO, surprisingly is home. I miss it, the beauty of the mountains and the sky - yes, even the snowy days. I miss our church, and the friends who are like family. I am hoping that we have the opportunity to move back sooner than later. Overall, I believe that this experience has taught me to embrace life - not to just live it, but to truly make the best of every moment. I only hope that I can live up to my new expectations of myself - and soak up every moment.

7 Months Later...

Well, we have been here in Texas for 7 months now - and things have not turned out like we thought they would.
First of all, my husband and I don't really like TX (I am almost quite sure that it's a crime punishable by death to say this while living in TX!). We knew this before we moved, and fought it for two years. But we still decided to make the move for the sake of being near my family. Bless his heart - he didn't know what he was in for.

Secondly, we moved in with my Dad, and my youngest sister who has an almost two year old daughter (as I type this it seems like a recipe for disaster!) . The intention was to help my sister become more settled into "Motherhood", you know - leading by example - and though she has done better - I think we have come as far as we are going to get! The added bonus was that it would be for one year - so that everyone could have a place to live while getting themselves established.

Where to go from there -

When we moved out here, my husband and I decided that I would stay home. My staying home was for multiple reasons
(1) Because my husband and I both agree that we can financially afford to do this, and this is how we wanted to raise our children - at least until they are both in school. (2) I would provide childcare for my sister (free of charge) - This would enable my sister to find a better, more stable job so that she could provide for herself and her child - since she is a single mother.

So, in my mind this would work out just fine. I would stay home, and my husband, dad and sister would go to work. Simple enough. Not - so - much. I will spare you all the details- frankly because there are too many little tedious ones to mention - and in the end, I am really just sparing myself the pain of re-living them!

In the end - Financially, my husband and I are putting in more that what we feel is our "fair" share. At one point, we were paying the monthly groceries - which were totalling (brace yourself) a whopping $900!!! This alone is not something that we can afford to do - so, I had to fix that real quick! Secondly, I have become the maid - and nanny - and nothing more! Even though, I try to ask (more like delegating) most of the time, it doesn't get done - and I end up doing it anyway - simply because I don't want to live in a pig stye! I'm exhausted and cranky, most days - which is not typically my character. I am not happy with this - but feel like I have no resolve, at this point.

My husband and I have decided that we want to go home to Colorado - and we are going to seek to do that as we are entering the end of our lease. Overall, I think that we have got to do what is right for us, despite how that may make others feel. It will be bittersweet. I love my family, but they drive me nuts! I have decided that I am better off loving them from a far. And though my in laws drive me just as crazy - I can somewhat limit the times of interaction that I will have with them.


Overall, I have learned a lot, been tried a lot, and have even been taken to a whole new level of dependence on my faith. I do not think that I would have made it this far (1) without God, and (2) without my husband.

Well- that pretty much sums up where I am on this journey - stay tuned. . . . . .

Torn

I can't believe it! I never thought the day would come. I had a slight suspicion - but never the proof. Now, here it is - a slap in the face! I can not believe that it is true. You married her! The one that cheated on you, the one that stole your heart and then threw it away - Oh wait - after she trampled on it, and squeezed all the life that was left - out of it! Her! The one that left you battered and bruised! The one that you titled in your phone "Don't Answer".

I know that it shouldn't matter. I know that I shouldn't care. But her? I can't believe that it is true. I mean, I knew that you went back to her - that you were living with her - but to go and make her your wife! I don't get it. Why? I know that it shouldn't matter. I know that I shouldn't care. But I do. Even now - married myself , a mother of two - a wonderful life. But a life without you. We used to be friends. At times even more. But I really can't believe that you'd marry that .......... girl! That two faced twin. I can't believe the truth - or the lie I live in. I know that it shouldn't matter. I know that I shouldn't care. But I do.

A Wife, And Still A Woman.

I understand that you are busy. That you work Monday through Friday, and come home tired. That sometimes you just want to put the kids to bed and veg out on the couch with the TV on.But what I do not understand is how it came to be that it seems that you have lost your interest in me. I sometimes wonder if you find me as beautiful and charming as you once did. I wonder if I am still funny, or if you still enjoy my laugh and my smile.And I wonder how it happens that I end up upstairs alone,while you sit on the couch. Most of all, I wonder if you understand how it makes me feel.

Lonely, sad, alone, forgotten. As if I am a wife, but like you have forgotten that I am a woman. A woman who wants to feel loved, cherished, and like she is the most beautiful woman in the room. I can now understand how women fall into adulterous sin. Not for the passion, sex or even the thrill, but simply for the chance to feel alive! Like someone acctually wants to make conversation and hear what you have to say. A chance to feel wanted, to feel loved, to feel like a woman.