Torn

I can't believe it! I never thought the day would come. I had a slight suspicion - but never the proof. Now, here it is - a slap in the face! I can not believe that it is true. You married her! The one that cheated on you, the one that stole your heart and then threw it away - Oh wait - after she trampled on it, and squeezed all the life that was left - out of it! Her! The one that left you battered and bruised! The one that you titled in your phone "Don't Answer".

I know that it shouldn't matter. I know that I shouldn't care. But her? I can't believe that it is true. I mean, I knew that you went back to her - that you were living with her - but to go and make her your wife! I don't get it. Why? I know that it shouldn't matter. I know that I shouldn't care. But I do. Even now - married myself , a mother of two - a wonderful life. But a life without you. We used to be friends. At times even more. But I really can't believe that you'd marry that .......... girl! That two faced twin. I can't believe the truth - or the lie I live in. I know that it shouldn't matter. I know that I shouldn't care. But I do.

Dissapointment in myself

Like I have always said being a Stay at Home Mom is not for everyone. And definately not for me! Sadly, and ashamed,I know it is the truth. I have come to conclude that being a SAHM brings out the worst in me. While I try my best, I am often defeated. I find myself mad at my husband for everything. I feel like I am always nagging him. I am always upset that the house is never clean, besides my best efforts.And it seems that I am scolding my kids every five minutes. Overall, I feel like such an unhappy and unfifilled person. I realize how lonely I am. And I realize that I am afraid of becoming my mother.I feel like I am a bad mother - but I love my kids more than anything! I pray that I am wrong and that they know how much they are loved. Most of all I feel like a failure. At least in my own eyes. I mean what kind of mother can not stay at home with her kids? Sad.I want to make a difference in this world, I want my life to count for something, but the truth is I can not even make a difference in my own home. Failure.