Jekyll-Hyde Syndrome

I fear good doctor, that I have come down with Jekyll-Hyde syndrome. You see. I live my life as one, but can not help the overwhelming feelings and desires to be another. It is not that I am unhappy in my life, nor that I have endured some kind of tramatic experience. It's just that I tend to drift off and think about what life could have been? Or what it could be like? Kind of like daydreaming, I guess.

"Please explain more", said the good Doctor.

Well, you see, I married quite young - and truth be told, we were with child before we were married. Not that - that was the reason for our marriage. I do love my husband so - and he is a good man - he is quite a good man! He provides for me and for the children, and he cares for us and is never ill with words or actions. He has never raised a hand to me, nor the children. He is a good man. Never drunk with wine, nor critical - and he doesn't ask for much. He is quite a good man.

"So what is the problem?" said the good Doctor.

It's hard to explain. Not that there is a problem, not that I can think. "Bordom", good Doctor. No. That's not it. I just can't seem to help myself. My thoughts tend to drift. I can't stop myself from thinking, thinking, and thinking. Wondering what it would have been like if I would have choosen a different path. Not that I would change a thing now. I am quite happy with my life. I am quite a lucky girl, you know. I know that!

And though I may have impure thoughts, I do try to resist them the best that I can.And I would never act upon them. I know it's not right. And frankly, I have no reason to think this way - and well, I am quite ashamed. Heaven forbid that this conversation should ever leave this room! Thank goodness for doctor-patient confidentiality! So, good doctor, what do you make of this? What is your evaluation. Have I gone mad?

Good doctor takes off his glasses and puts his pen down. "My dear", he begins. "Do you know what is wrong with you?".
"Absolutely nothing".





“I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work and when I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created that kind of protects me and who I really am”.
-Beyonce


"What's an alter ego?" asked Gerard.
"It's a superhero's true but secret identity," said Chip. "You know, the way that Superman is really Clark Kent." "Superman is really Clark Kent?"
"It's pretty obvious," said Penny. "To everyone but you and Lois Lane."
― Cuthbert Soup, Another Whole Nother Story

We meet again. . .

Well it has been quite a while since my last post. A lot has changed. My family and I have relocated from Colorado to Texas. Yes, Texas. The state that swears it should be it's own country - and perhaps it very well could be. Texas, the place where almost everyone wears cowboy boots and says "y'all". Well, it would not have been my top pick - but since all my family (mom, dad, and siblings) decide to do it, we jumped on board. I must say that I am fond of the sweet tea that is carried almost everywhere. Oh sweet tea how I love you!

Well, it certainly has been an adventure- we are now living with my dad, my youngest sister who has a two year old, and of course my husband and our two boys. Whew! Needless to say, it is a busy household - full or adventure, always noisy, the occasional quarrel, and never a dull moment. So, stay tuned. . . .

Torn

I can't believe it! I never thought the day would come. I had a slight suspicion - but never the proof. Now, here it is - a slap in the face! I can not believe that it is true. You married her! The one that cheated on you, the one that stole your heart and then threw it away - Oh wait - after she trampled on it, and squeezed all the life that was left - out of it! Her! The one that left you battered and bruised! The one that you titled in your phone "Don't Answer".

I know that it shouldn't matter. I know that I shouldn't care. But her? I can't believe that it is true. I mean, I knew that you went back to her - that you were living with her - but to go and make her your wife! I don't get it. Why? I know that it shouldn't matter. I know that I shouldn't care. But I do. Even now - married myself , a mother of two - a wonderful life. But a life without you. We used to be friends. At times even more. But I really can't believe that you'd marry that .......... girl! That two faced twin. I can't believe the truth - or the lie I live in. I know that it shouldn't matter. I know that I shouldn't care. But I do.

A Wife, And Still A Woman.

I understand that you are busy. That you work Monday through Friday, and come home tired. That sometimes you just want to put the kids to bed and veg out on the couch with the TV on.But what I do not understand is how it came to be that it seems that you have lost your interest in me. I sometimes wonder if you find me as beautiful and charming as you once did. I wonder if I am still funny, or if you still enjoy my laugh and my smile.And I wonder how it happens that I end up upstairs alone,while you sit on the couch. Most of all, I wonder if you understand how it makes me feel.

Lonely, sad, alone, forgotten. As if I am a wife, but like you have forgotten that I am a woman. A woman who wants to feel loved, cherished, and like she is the most beautiful woman in the room. I can now understand how women fall into adulterous sin. Not for the passion, sex or even the thrill, but simply for the chance to feel alive! Like someone acctually wants to make conversation and hear what you have to say. A chance to feel wanted, to feel loved, to feel like a woman.

Missing Quazimoto

It is the beginning of the new year and though I am happy with the course that my life has taken, and excited about all the opportunities that the new year has to offer, I can not help but think about the one that got away. Wait. Was it that he got away or was it that he let me get away? The truth of the matter is that the truth is unknown- and what could have been will always remain a mystery. For the protection and confidentiality of all parties, myself included, names have been changed or will not be mentioned.

Quazimoto, believe it or not, was acctually the pet name that we had for each other. How it came about is another unknown fact, and as odd as it may seem, I kinda liked it.

Anyway, years have passed and both of us have moved on. But my thoughts tend to drift to him, more often than I'd like to admit. And though I know that it is a natural part of human nature and life, I can admit that it makes me feel aweful, ashamed, and even disrespectful towards my husband. But, I can't help it. I love him, Quazimoto, and always will. He has a piece of my heart that will always belong to him.

Fighting Sucks! Need to Vent!

I am so upset! DH and I had an argument this morning. Since I am staying home. He went and got a second job at night. Which I was already upset about because he's been talking about it for a while already and I would say that I didn't want him to. But his brother was talking about how he went and applied and so DH just decided to do it. And told me after the fact. So now DH works 8am-5pm at his regular job and then gets home around 6pm-6:30pm and then leaves for his second job from 10pm-3:00am. Needless to say, it feels like we hardly see him- much less spend quality time with him. Which is the whole reason I quit my restraunt managment job! And though it is only M-F it drives me nuts! Especially since he doesn't do a darn thing to help around the house anymore. I know that I should cut him some slack since he is only trying to help our financial issues. But I am just upset! On top it is not s piece of cake staying home with a 1 year old and an almost 3 year old- both boys, I might mention. And then he tries to tell me what I should do at home with the kids. Like he is here all day! You know how men swear they could do it. And I say," You don't know, you are not here all day." Then that pisses him off. He just doesn't understand! Anyone else having these issues? Any suggestions?

So lonely I could cry

So lonely I could cry.... Yes, I know that it is a song. In fact I am sure that there is a version by Elvis and also one by Johnny Cash. But unfortunately, it is not the song that I am talking about, but rather my emotions. I have lived in this wonderful state for almost two years now. Acctually, it will be exactly two years in Mid-October. And I have yet to settle in.I have no family here besides that of my husbands. And even worse, not a single friend. Sure there are acquaintances - you know, like from church, kids playdates, ex-co-workers, things like that. But no true friends, you know those are few and far between. My most absolute besties are actually not even in the same state. Celina - whom I have known since high school, lives in CA - and Heather lives in NM. So, as you can see - I am often left with nothing more than phone conversation and emails to express my feelings - and let's face it - media doesn't do you any justice when you just want to scream or cry.............


What about my hubby you ask - good question - what about him? No but really, while he absolutely a wonderful man - a great husband and father - he just doesn't get it. You know, men- while you are spilling your guts out - they just don't understand! Woes me - So, while I am left to deal....... I hope that you can relate - or at least get a chuckle out of this.........